Name: Kissing strangers.
Status: A thing of the past
Really? Why? Come on now, read the room. It’s Covid.
Oh yeah, that makes sense. What, that’s it? No humorous back and forth today? No exaggerated polarised argument? What’s happened to you?
Nothing. It just makes sense that nobody would want to kiss a stranger right now, that’s all. Well, yes, of course it does. Kissing a stranger in the age of Covid is basically the same as running your tongue along a municipal bannister. But you’ve got to give me something to work with.
Fine then. How do you know this? That’s more like it. Glad you asked. A survey of 2,000 people conducted by OnePoll asked what they would do differently post-pandemic, if anything. Kissing a stranger is fourth on the list of things people won’t be doing once restrictions start lifting. This means that …
Wait. Fourth? Yes, fourth.
So there are three other things that people want to do even less than that? Yes. The No 1 response is “Use someone else’s lip balm”, with Nos 2 and 3 being: “Take a bite of someone else’s sandwich” and “Use store makeup samples”.
I don’t know. Sharing someone’s sandwich seems slightly less deadly than ramming your tongue into their mouth. Hey, I’m just the messenger here. Besides, a passionate, adrenaline-soaked snog with someone you just met is a rite of passage. It’s an important part of being young in a way that, say, nibbling the crust of their chicken triple isn’t.
Fair enough. What else are people vowing to never do again? It’s an interesting list. No 9 is “share crisps in a pub”.
That’s sad, but probably sensible. What else? No 24 is: “Use gym equipment after someone else”, even though, by the very nature of gyms, everyone uses every piece of equipment after someone else.
What else? No 39 is “Check your hair in someone’s sunglasses reflection”.
That makes no sense. Can you catch Covid by looking in a mirror? If the mirror is directly positioned above someone’s mouth and nose, maybe. Anyway, No 43 is “Go to shopping centres”.
What? You can’t be serious. You’ll be saying that nobody wants to eat my birthday cake next. That’s No 47, yes.
This is absurd. Will it last? No, of course it won’t. Humans are social creatures. There might be some nervousness as soon as the pandemic passes, but we’ll probably be behaving in the same reckless way we always did in no time. We’ll be eating birthday cake and using gym equipment and kissing strangers again before we know it.
And sharing sandwiches? No. That’s disgusting.
Do say: “I’m afraid I don’t want to kiss you.”
Don’t say: “Not because of Covid, but because you seem awful.”